đ A Dirty Little Secret: I Love My Stories
Maybe that's gross to admit, but, "Oh, well."
I'm going to tell you a secret. I don't hate my writing or my stories. Or even my crappy first drafts.
I wouldn't think that would be a weird thing to say, but I do read a lot of "writing about writing" where the person sharing their journey (seeking to reassure others, Iâm sure) shares things to the effect of "don't worry, we all hate our manuscripts," or "don't fret, we all have imposter syndrome"⌠and I get it. I do. Everyone indeed has days/weeks/months-long droughts/frustrations/creative mountains to climbâŚbutâŚ
Wow. What a collective bummer if this seemingly default malaise really was the "norm" for this creative field! (I keep holding out hope that it's just some weird "suffering=art" writer reflex that makes us complain far more than we celebrateâas if the only acceptable way to project yourself professionally is as if you were just one lousy draft away from getting hooked on pills or the bottle.) If so, how I wish we felt it was JUST as socially acceptable to (at least sometimes) admit the opposite!
Also, what is up with people WANTING (craving, even!) to hear that from successful creators? I find it so off-putting when people ask, say, in a webinar, how a certain panelist gets past imposter syndrome. ("Surely YOU must think your writing is not actually good enough to be out in the worldâŚ" the question assumes.) ButâŚI digress.
I guess I want to reassure others that it's also okay ifâŚyou knowâŚyou don't hate writing or what you write? You aren't automatically a plebe based on your current writing feelings, one way or another? Even if you, like me, 100 percent flat-out also know you need to work on your craftâit's absolutely okay to default to loving your shitty drafts, just as okay as defaulting to them being your archnemeses?
Friends, I love my writing. And it's a good thingâbecause sometimes I'm the only one! đ
Look, writing is inherently UNCOMFORTABLE. Maybe this is where a lot of the angst comes fromâfeeling that natural awkwardness between your wildest aspirations and your current reality and deciding the gap between them is somehow implausible and "wrong" instead of just a given that you have to work with and try to get better at.
The toughness of creative fieldsâitâs true! (Preach, Ira!) I âgetâ that.
Maybe because I realized long ago that I will probably be forever striving to close that gapâhopefully making SOME progress in narrowing it if I keep going, if never fully closing it!âthat keeps me from really, REALLY hating my writing. I just donât have those expectations. And I suppose that may make me sound complacent, but I donât think thatâs itâit's more just acceptance of the incremental grind of this life, like how knowing I'm never going to be a perfect person doesnât let me off the hook from trying to be a slightly better one every day.
However, hereâs finally (maybe?) my point: I don't think we need to "crank up" the angstâto overstate it, while also not talking about the love. To only complain about it, since we are part of a group that contains many unhappy people and, therefore, to seem like we're "keeping it real,â we must not show our joy. Because thatâs just another way to lie, isnât it? I mean, who would keep at this if it was ONLY the hard parts?
Yes, starting from a baseline of loving your writing is swaggy and even "uppity"! ButâŚwhat is the alternative? After all, why would one willingly spend one's life doing something unless, deep down, one believed it was worthy of the effort?
Now, I try (notice I said, 'try!') not to let my love for my stories close my eyes to problems, opportunities, and discipline issues. Inevitably, I will have to (and do!) work HARD (so damn hard!) to make each better, funnier, gut-punchier. Sometimes, they need to go to summer camp in the "writing marination drawer" so I can have a break from them. For sureâall of that.
But I have kids. What if my constant response to them (or me!) not meeting our fullest potential at any given moment was just frustration and anger? How would that narrow vision of success or failure affect themâand me?
Your manuscripts need SOMEONE to consistently love, nurture, and appreciate themâcurrent warts and all. If not you, who would that be, exactly?
Even if you feel it's gross to admit to the outside world, I hope you feel and know that your stories are beautiful and absolutely dripping with diamond-crusted potential.
Your friend who believes love starts at home and doesnât have to be all hush-hush,
Elayne
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Right on Elayne! (I actually first literally wrote, âwriteâ, instead of right, but write is probably more fitting anyway!) I would totally agree, I really do like the majority of my writingâ even the stuff that is genuinely badâ the idea or intent or thought behind the writing isnât bad, it just most often may not be written in the most approachable or exciting way! But that doesnât make it bad, it just means it needs works. I also subscribe to the idea that our writing isnât for everyone. Not everyone is going to love everything we write. And thatâs okay. There are plenty of creative things out there, that I donât like that other people love. So the same would of course be true for the stuff I produce! But I always think, if I love it, thatâs all that really matters! So now I put all my stuff out there, regardless, because I like it, and I do hope, really hope, that I will find someone else out there who likes it just as much as I do too.