đ If Someone's Just Not That Into Your Workâor Even YouâIt's Okay!
We can't all be as popular as Dolly Parton. Alas!
A perhaps Barbie-movie-inspired pep talk (for youâŠand for me!) not to tie yourself into knots to get people to like you and/or your creative output. Having said that, this is not coming from any recent interactions! So if you are like, âDid I say something to Elayne that set this off?â No! We are good! đ
The phrase âheâs/sheâs just not that into youâ was wedged firmly into the early-to-mid 2000s femme-media zeitgeist thanks to a book and movie that came out around that time; I know by referencing it, Iâm dating myself (ha!). Still, while I never read/saw either, the phrase stuck in my head. I have always assumed it meant donât deceive yourself into believing something one-sided is a relationship,* and if someone is into you, it will be apparent.
*Obviously, parenting isâŠweirder. You do have to love, protect, feed, and clothe your ungrateful children.
âA-ha!â Iâm sure I said upon hearing it, flash-backing to failed relationships of all kinds. The phrase was the distillation of common-sense (but hard-won) wisdom, the sort of hindsight-granted obviousness that leads people to slap their own foreheads. (In 1980s parlance: âdoy!â)
Deep down, your fellow humans would rather shield your feelings than be direct; so, at least on average, if itâs not a fist-pumping âhell yes,â you can assume itâs a quiet âno, thank you; not right now.â
Similarly, whether you feel ghosted when querying, are getting unsubscribes on your newsletter, or simply not getting a âlikeâ on a comment you made on someone elseâs social media or blog postâpossibly your âtheyâ in question are busy or distracted. (It does happen!) BUTâŠmaybe theyâre just not that into your work, or youâor possibly both. (I do not mean this glibly. Passes suuuuck. Disinterest or even dislike suuuucks. Being ignored ESPECIALLY suuuucks.)
Howeverâand this is crucialâitâs fine! Or, ratherâit WILL be fine! Not only that, if you are putting your creative work âout there,â my dearâthis will be your new normal! (Oh, lucky, lucky us!)
I know this because Dolly herself has said, âThere are a lot of people that donât like me; I even have relatives that donât like me.â If Dolly freakinâ Parton has people out there that donât đ” alwaaaays love herrrrrđ”, then I think itâs safe to assume itâs gonna be true for the rest of us, too.
So, in the examples above, maybe you do something with that information, like broaden your dream agent pool, turn off your unsubscribe notifications, or donât spend time commenting on that thing anymore. OR maybe you donât change a damn thing besides your expectations on that one specific thing. Regardless, remember: you are you, your work is your work, and you can always go where you are wanted instead.
Itâs nice to feel appreciated, but the most creative and distinctive flavors are sure to be acquired tastes. Donât fear being your own version of durian sometimes.
As the MC of our story, itâs SO HARD sometimes to remember that the secondary or tertiary characters are ALSO the MCs of their own story! Likewise, if they arenât ALSO looking to you for anything on their journeyânor are they advancing your plot by affecting YOUR journey, gurlâŠthose MCs (at least, of their story) are tertiary to yours. No matter how much you like or admire them!
And thatâs okay. Not caring what every person on the planet thinks of us is not only normal for creatives, but itâs also healthy. We donât need to turn into Truman Capote at the end of his life, swanning about and slowly drowning. (Donât come at meâI LOVE TRUMAN CAPOTE! I feel for him/relateâthatâs why I am giving me/us this pep talk!).
Look around your own life, creative or otherwise. Iâm CERTAIN some people want more from you than you are willing to commit to giving. Sometimes, the âtheyâ in âtheyâre just not that into youâ is you, too, after all.
Your attention and curiosity are valuable gifts, and who (or what) you bestow them on matters. You only have so much of either to spread around! If someone hands these gifts back to you with a âno thank you,ââbe grateful!âand use them on something else!
Yours in shaking âwhatever needs shakingâ off,
Elayne
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Yes, I needed this!!
Thanks Elayne! This was a nice reminder that it is okay to not be liked by everyone! Some people just arenât going to get you and that is okay! I need to remind myself of this! Likewise, in terms of what we create! I try to tell myself, as long as I, the creator like it, enjoy it, etc., then that is all that matters!