📌 If Someone's Just Not That Into Your Work—or Even You—It's Okay!

We can't all be as popular as Dolly Parton. Alas!

A perhaps Barbie-movie-inspired pep talk (for you…and for me!) not to tie yourself into knots to get people to like you and/or your creative output. Having said that, this is not coming from any recent interactions! So if you are like, “Did I say something to Elayne that set this off?” No! We are good! 😂

The phrase “he’s/she’s just not that into you” was wedged firmly into the early-to-mid 2000s femme-media zeitgeist thanks to a book and movie that came out around that time; I know by referencing it, I’m dating myself (ha!). Still, while I never read/saw either, the phrase stuck in my head. I have always assumed it meant don’t deceive yourself into believing something one-sided is a relationship,* and if someone is into you, it will be apparent.

*Obviously, parenting is…weirder. You do have to love, protect, feed, and clothe your ungrateful children.

“A-ha!” I’m sure I said upon hearing it, flash-backing to failed relationships of all kinds. The phrase was the distillation of common-sense (but hard-won) wisdom, the sort of hindsight-granted obviousness that leads people to slap their own foreheads. (In 1980s parlance: “doy!”)

Deep down, your fellow humans would rather shield your feelings than be direct; so, at least on average, if it’s not a fist-pumping “hell yes,” you can assume it’s a quiet “no, thank you; not right now.”

Similarly, whether you feel ghosted when querying, are getting unsubscribes on your newsletter, or simply not getting a “like” on a comment you made on someone else’s social media or blog post—possibly your “they” in question are busy or distracted. (It does happen!) BUT…maybe they’re just not that into your work, or you—or possibly both. (I do not mean this glibly. Passes suuuuck. Disinterest or even dislike suuuucks. Being ignored ESPECIALLY suuuucks.)

However—and this is crucial—it’s fine! Or, rather—it WILL be fine! Not only that, if you are putting your creative work “out there,” my dear—this will be your new normal! (Oh, lucky, lucky us!)

I know this because Dolly herself has said, “There are a lot of people that don’t like me; I even have relatives that don’t like me.” If Dolly freakin’ Parton has people out there that don’t 🎵 alwaaaays love herrrrr🎵, then I think it’s safe to assume it’s gonna be true for the rest of us, too.

Keep your head up—and chest out—come what may.

So, in the examples above, maybe you do something with that information, like broaden your dream agent pool, turn off your unsubscribe notifications, or don’t spend time commenting on that thing anymore. OR maybe you don’t change a damn thing besides your expectations on that one specific thing. Regardless, remember: you are you, your work is your work, and you can always go where you are wanted instead.

It’s nice to feel appreciated, but the most creative and distinctive flavors are sure to be acquired tastes. Don’t fear being your own version of durian sometimes.

As the MC of our story, it’s SO HARD sometimes to remember that the secondary or tertiary characters are ALSO the MCs of their own story! Likewise, if they aren’t ALSO looking to you for anything on their journey—nor are they advancing your plot by affecting YOUR journey, gurl…those MCs (at least, of their story) are tertiary to yours. No matter how much you like or admire them!

And that’s okay. Not caring what every person on the planet thinks of us is not only normal for creatives, but it’s also healthy. We don’t need to turn into Truman Capote at the end of his life, swanning about and slowly drowning. (Don’t come at me—I LOVE TRUMAN CAPOTE! I feel for him/relate—that’s why I am giving me/us this pep talk!).

Look around your own life, creative or otherwise. I’m CERTAIN some people want more from you than you are willing to commit to giving. Sometimes, the “they” in “they’re just not that into you” is you, too, after all.

Your attention and curiosity are valuable gifts, and who (or what) you bestow them on matters. You only have so much of either to spread around! If someone hands these gifts back to you with a “no thank you,”—be grateful!—and use them on something else!

Yours in shaking ‘whatever needs shaking’ off,

Elayne

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