📌 Set Your Goals YOUR Way

Feel like setting some that you can't control? I say, "Good for you!"

This time of year is a natural time for people to check in on their goals—both past and future—and I’m here for it!

However, one bit of commonly-accepted advice has never sat particularly well with me: not to make goals or resolutions about things that are largely beyond our control.

I get the reasoning: focusing on goals one CAN control lets you set yourself up as much more likely to meet those goals. And I agree the purpose of goal-setting is to cultivate habits, make changes, and feel “at the wheel” in your own life. I also agree that some goals are particularly tied to not only hard work—but also an enormous amount of luck (👀 side-eyeing the publishing industry here, for sure).

Yet, I still bid the “stick with the controllable” goals mindset a hearty: “….meh.”

My question is: what are you trying to be/feel successful at? Meeting your "controllable” goals for a given year—or meeting your actual, most likely non-controllable goals, which will likely take much longer than a year, and a whole lot more work?

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In the old B-school classics, Good to Great and Built to Last, Jim Collins calls a certain kind of goal a “BHAG” - a big, hairy, audacious goal. A BHAG is not something that will happen easily (or, gulp! maybe ever!)—and that’s the whole point of the thing. It’s not just a goal—it’s an emotional tear-jerker. It’s so big, it may feel like “landing an ex-Pablo-Escobar-hippo on the moon” big. It’s so big you will probably not achieve it in a year—maybe not even in five or ten. But by setting it as your intention, an inspirational rallying point for yourself, you can achieve much bigger things than if you start small by design. The reason? Motivation. Because it’s an outlandish goal, it becomes far more obvious and expected (by you) that you will need to work your *ss off to achieve it. It stirs PASSION and URGENCY in you.

Let’s take an example I see often related to querying: the goal of getting an agent. Here are two scenarios to explain the difference in mindsets (at least, from how I see things).

Do you want to goal-set like Spock or Michael Jordan?

Conventional wisdom scenario—let’s call this the Spock method—where you attempt to take the emotion OUT of goal-setting: Instead of setting a goal of getting an agent (which you cannot control), you might instead say you will attend two in-person networking events or conferences this year, pay for a professional critique of your most promising story, and will query an agent every single week.

Pros: You are taking logical steps to reach your larger (if unspoken) goal in ways you can fully control. You get a sense of accomplishment when you mark each of these highly-doable goals off your list, and you don’t have to change much outside of creating a few new habits. You may get an agent from your efforts, maybe even a dream one!

Cons: Because of the nature of things, even if you go to the networking events, pay for the critique, and query an agent every week…you might not get an agent. Because you are altering your original goal (getting a great agent) into a “doable” one (upping your querying in hopes of getting an agent), you may end up querying a fair number of agents you aren’t actually interested in, which could (if things go well) possibly force you to decide if you will accept a non-dream-agent’s offer instead of holding out. (This last thing is not necessarily a con but a stressful complication.)

Please note: I am not discounting the wisdom/workability of going Spock! Spock is, after all, super smart!

Radical self-transparency scenario—let’s call this the Crying Michael Jordan method—where you USE your emotion and passion to fuel your goal-setting: Instead of pulling back your goal, you lean into your goal. As Crying Michael Jordan, you don’t want an agent—you want a great agent—and you have specific criteria in mind for who (where “who” is a plural group of agents) that would be. Having a “reach” goal so unlikely to happen scares you. However, you keep this goal in mind as you make every related decision going forward, like a north star. Instead of sticking to a specific pre-determined formula, you constantly evaluate what’s working and what’s not and adapt what you do as new opportunities or information arises.

Pros: You are working toward your most authentic goals (getting a particular kind of agent) but not expending effort on goals you do not honestly have (i.e., querying widely when you were only interested in querying a select pool). You force yourself to adapt and improve more quickly than you otherwise might to attempt this outlandish goal. You may enjoy getting to know the agents on your small querying list—even if you do not end up with one of them as your agent at the end of the year. Then again, you may get an agent from your efforts, and if so, it will undoubtedly be one you are interested in!

Cons: You are not making your goal any easier for yourself, that’s for sure. There is no “goal checklist,” just a huge, unbudging goal (though you are continually working on ‘to-do’ items to try to check that one important box). In fact, you are taking as many steps as humanly possible to reach your larger goal, and you look at every decision you make through a strategic lens (which can be exhausting). Sometimes, you will feel quite stressed because you have created a sense of urgency for yourself, yet there are no guarantees. (Basically, you will work your *ss off, and it still might not happen.)

If Spock-style goal setting looks much better to you, I’m not here to change your mind! (Again, either scenario could result in you meeting your goal, and neither is guaranteed, at any rate!)

HOWEVER, Crying Michael Jordan-style goal-setting…will change you. It will force you to be bolder, more persistent, and think big picture while doing your day-to-day work. Because your goal seems so outlandish, you will need to push yourself on a variety of fronts to achieve it. You will, in essence, really need to up your game.

Here’s what I believe.

1. I believe, irrespective of whether you try the Spock method or the Crying Michael Jordan method, you will be seriously bummed if you don’t meet your external, non-controllable goal precisely because that external, non-controllable one ties to your deepest desires. (Caring deeply is the price we pay for caring deeply.) Not trying to be a downer, but remember: there’s a reasonable chance either way that you won’t end the year meeting many of your *true* goals. (It’s not my fault publishing is so hard, but I do feel for you/us, so I’ll still add: “I’m sorry.”)

2. I believe in goal setting (like most other things), honesty and transparency should not be discounted, circumvented, or ignored. Even when (maybe especially when!) it’s you being completely honest with yourself about exactly what you want.

3. I believe time, like money, is a wonderful servant but a poor master and that most “big” things take time as a form of investment.

4. I believe regret is the worst feeling in the world.

Here’s a dirty little secret: my 2022 and 2023 vision boards contained ALL the things people say not to set as goals. What was on there? “Get an awesome agent.” “Get a book deal with a top-five publisher.” Even “Milkwood.” 😂

The one that overrode it all, my BHAG (though chosen in 2023), was: “Be more me.” I chose it because, despite its simplicity, it’s an incredibly challenging goal that required (and still needs!) a lot of work…on myself, my craft, and more. And it scared me because I was worried that if I succeeded, if I WAS more “me,” maybe I wouldn’t achieve my other goals. What if *I* wasn’t enough? Furthermore, I was working so hard, and very publicly, for (and on) things that many people deem a bit…insane. What if none of it ever happened?

And yet…here I am, two years later, one year after my big push to be more Elayne. With an awesome agent, a picture book deal, and having had the Milkwood experience of a lifetime. More “me” than ever (though, in proper BHAG form, there is more work to do here). And with a need to start my 2024 board almost from scratch because so many “big hairy audacious” goals came to fruition—and now I’ve got even bigger dreams to dream.

In choosing to go full “Crying Michael Jordan,” I accepted that I was making things harder on myself, but it needed to be that way because that was my authentic, true vision for myself. Doing things the hard way, truthfully, is very Elayne. What can I say?

I’m not saying the vision board, or me, “manifested” these things, or that luck wasn’t the secret ingredient. HOWEVER…however!…acknowledging these big-picture goals made me focus far more heavily on things like craft, revision, community building, and networking, and far less on things, it turns out, I didn’t care about, really—or at least, not as much. (For starters, it must be said: maintaining a clean house or querying widely.)

I’ll admit: when the end of 2022 hit, I was bummed that my goals seemed stubbornly stuck in place: but I was also able to honestly say to myself: This year, x, y, and z did not happen. That f***ing sucks (sorry, but it did). But by god, I know what I want, I worked super hard, and I learned a ton that will apply to my same, deeply-held goals next year.

And…I guess I did! 🎉

Preach, Moira.

So, why not go after your real goals and drop the “I guess I should” ones? Maybe, instead of forcing yourself to do something you cooked up one day in December, look at your decisions all year—and beyond—with your RIDICULOUS actual goals in mind! Let your goals be hard—but HONESTLY hard—so you can summon the 100 percent motivation and courage needed to meet them.

Amen, Moira!

Believe in yourself, and don’t be afraid to be your own champion.

Your audacious friend,

Elayne

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